All-In-All You're Just Another Prick in a Wall

Well, it took almost 12 and a half years, but the terrorists have finally won, thanks in no small part to a hipster in Portland.

The unidentified woman, known to acquaintances as, "Stupid Bitch," managed to fall about 12 feet between two buildings, and was wedged into a space about 9 inches wide for several hours this morning.

While it's not immediately clear how S.B. managed to stumble upon such jackassery, neighbors say she was smoking up on the two story roof at about 3 A.M. when they heard her screams.

Unfortunately, the talented first responders of Portland managed to prevent S.B. from inflicting any more bodily harm upon herself than she had already done with that stupid stud in her face.  Her hipster glasses stayed in place throughout the ordeal, thereby ensuring the douchebaggiest of rescues.

We can only hope that nobody worthwhile had to wait for emergency services during the course of this operation.

Lance Armstrong

Reports have come out stating that Lance Armstrong admitted to cheating during his prolific cycling career. The sources all relate to an interview he did recently with Oprah. Reports of his admission to using performance enhancing drugs, however, cannot be confirmed. Regardless, all seven of his Tour de France titles have been stripped.

So there we have it. He broke the rules, was caught, and is now suffering the punishment. At this point, I say justice was served. What bothers me, though, is society casting judgement down on Lance Armstrong from up on Mount Pious.

So Lance cheated on some bicycle races. Big deal. Do you think anyone in America would have cared about the Tour de France if we didn't have a fellow American burning up the French countryside? Furthermore, here's a guy who fought back from the brink of death to win (cheating aside) one of the most grueling races in all of sport. And he did it seven times. Most importantly, the guy is directly responsible for raising millions of dollars for cancer research through Livestrong.

But I digress. He cheated and admitted to it, but let's stop with all the false indignation and get on with our lives.

Lastly, what happens to his seven trophies? Does a diminutive Frenchman peddle up on a Peugeot and take them? Just try it, Frenchy. I'll bet Lance keeps those trophies.

Cheer Up: Why The Payroll Tax Increase Is A Good Thing

By tomorrow, every working American will have received their first paycheck of 2013. A lot of folks (77 million tax payers) are pretty angry over their smaller paychecks this year. As we all know, this is due to the expiration of the Social Security tax holiday which raises the tax on earned income (up to about $110,000) from 4.2% to 6.2%. That extra 2% may sound small, but it's noticeable when it's your money.

Since the President signed the American Taxpayer Relief Act, we've listened to wonderful stories about how we were saved at the 11th hour from tax hikes on the middle class. It hasn't really been mentioned until paychecks started going out that our taxes have in fact gone up.

I'm not here to bellyache about it. I submit that the payroll tax increase is a good thing, and here's why:

Government costs money. I know that, but many Americans fail to grasp this concept. For too long, those in favor of bigger government and more spending would vote for whomever would take care of them because someone else (rich people) would foot the bill. With the expiration of the payroll tax holiday, everyone is kicking in more taxes and everyone is unhappy about it.

I think this can open people's eyes. You don't want to pay higher taxes? Me either, so lets get on the same page and start cutting some things from the budget.

There will always be taxes, but there will never be an amount of tax revenue that will satisfy the folks in Washington. They will constantly come up with more ways to spend money. It's what they do.

So cheer up, wake up, and stop asking what the government can do for you. Work. Raise your kids. Save your money. Let's all take care of ourselves and start voting for less programs and less waste.